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sometimes you lose it.
sometimes its which is better... the dark sky or the stormy clouds

i feel sick not getting it out.
i need to.
i am sick of not remembering how to.

i hate mind altering drugs and i don't want any part of it.
but how right?

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my grandpa died today.
its really weird.
dont really know what to do with myself.
he went without struggle though.  im thankful for that.
this has been the longest day of my entire life.
ive cried a lot and i look like it.
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i just wanna puke.
my grandpa got in a car accident.  not even a bad one.  but due to his health issues, hes not going to make it.
ive never had anyone close to me die.
and hes just in a bed at the hospital.  basically waiting.
i dont know if im a terrible person for not being able to sit there with him all night.  but i couldn't take it.
sure i can stand there, holding his hand until he goes.  but they dont know if its going to be tonight or a week.
i feel terrible.  but i just couldn't do it. 
im going back in the early morning.
but i just felt like i was sitting there waiting for him to go.
and it is just such an uneasy feeling.
i dont know what to do with myself i just dont want to think
my hand smells like him.
i love my grandpa.  so much. 
i dont know what im supposed to be doing.
i just needed to get something out.
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what a long month this has been.  only 21 days so far actually.  but i think its been the longest 21 days of my life.
i could go on.
but thats all i really want to say.
i really need to get shit out though.
so i don't spend more nights crying on salitros's ugly sweaters :)
5 more days.
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i think ive got it figured out.
i just need to start being a giant bitch.  cuz if i didnt care, i couldnt feel like this.
plus bitches get everything they want, just by being bitches.  say it isnt true.
and no matter what i do, its never good enough, so fuck it.
dont fucking ask or expect anything from me anymore, in any way.
im tired of getting fucked.

and im fucking tired of feeling.  like this.
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so ive spent the last like week dying from the plague... and decided to treat myself to grandma's love... and couch and cable.
it was awesome.  lots better than lonely death.

so i finally decided i needed a beer, and left grandmas yesterday.  i had no gas.  but grandma told me to go to york cuz it was 10 cents cheaper.  whatever i tried.  i was about a mile outside of york when my car started hating me and wanted some breakfast.  i put it in N but then i had to try to go up a hill.  :(
i made it seriously a half mile from the fucking gas station and it said fuck you.

haha so i coasted to the shoulder.  i was laughing.  not even mad.  how fucking stupid.  so i started walking. 
police man pulled over to talk to me.  by this time i was half way to the station.  so like a quarter mile away.  haha he asked if i was stranded.  i just laughed then he gave me a ride.  asked if i wanted him to wait for him.  fucking creepy country cops dude.

the place had no gas cans, and i asked an old man, he said all he had was some big ol buckets.  what kind of farmer doesnt have a fucking gas can seriously.  he told me to go across the road there to that there wal mart.  and told me the exact price of a five gallon gas can.  5.88.  what the fuck.

so i almost got hit by like 8 farmers and old ladies cuz i had to cross a highway.  got a fucking gas can and a hat cuz it was super cold, and the fucking punk at the check out line... gas can and a stocking hat huh?  fuckin prick.  yeah.  i ran out of gas.  shut up.
whatever i laughed it was awesome.

took me like 20 mins to figure out the fucking spout thing on the gas can.  ughhhhhhhhhh.
whatev.  i got my four dollars worth of gas.  it took me another 20 mins for my car to drink it all.
i was laughing the whole time.
i dont know why... but fuck it dude.

i love dgafoheight.
its so much more fun than being pissed off all the time.

i think i got resick from my little adventure.
but i dont even care.
so if you ever run out of gas or want to mow your lawn, call me.
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its one of those days when i question if i can handle it.
ive been doing so well.
ive been okay with everything.
and ive felt myself growing a lot.
todays the first day that ive cried, and i cant stop.
i know its okay but i hate the feeling that it will never stop happening.
i dont wanna be alone.
matty is the best thing thats ever happened to me, but i dont wanna be away from the person i love all the time.
yah yah, get over it.  but its not so easy.
i know what i got myself into, but that doesnt mean i have to like it.
i just really really hate being alone.





just needed to get it out.

and i could use a hug.  :(

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threats and manipulation and bullshit
knock it the fuck off.
grow up
quit trying to be better
quit thinking you are better
you're not.
im not
he's not
she's not.
humans do things, they fuck up, no one is perfect, quit treating people like you are so much sweeter.
no one has any idea what the fuck they are doing and what the hell they are going to do.
why judge anyone.
it will just make you look stupid later.
instead spend your life enjoying yourself.
dont worry about what she is doing or they are doing or what i am doing or him.
and sure as hell don't talk about it.
its lame its over its immature.
hey, lets all get over it together.
cuz im wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy tired of it.

and being happy is way more fun.
try it.

and one more side note...
being happy does not come from anything but inside yourself.
im not preaching, im just excited that i finally realized that.
and i feel like not enough people understand.
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when this was happening.
i do.
crazy.  two years.  so much has changed except for the only thing that really matters.  well like 2 things.  good friends, and matty.
ive gone through a lot of changing, but i guess it just takes trying to be something you're not to remember who you are.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.  but oh eight has given me an attitude.  i cant be afraid to stand up for myself , and i know ive been saying that forever, but something recently hit me.  and this time im actually acting on it.  i dont wanna live if i cant live how i want to.  i want to be happy. 

its crazy.  how good i feel because im acting on that.  im motivated.  i just feel freaking awesome.
im always so worried about making everyone so fucking happy that i ignore reality.

my turn.  08 is gonna rule. 

moving away from matty, i was going through things.  and its nothing im proud of now.  but when the reality of all of that really set in last month, i realized there is no way i want to live away from him.  people might think it has to do with them or something they are doing or have done, but its no one.  when it comes down to it... its all completely about me and matty.  and i dont want to, and dont have to be away from him.
im just done punishing myself.

ugh, and i dont want to lose friends over it. 

this was going to be a sappy lj.  god thinking about a fucking month makes my stomach turn in fucking knots.  and its so far away.  ew i fucking hate the first day.  i hate thinking that no matter how bad i want to see matt, i cant.  i havent cried today.  this is so stupid.
i want more.
ill get it.
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